Smoke season comes to Portland.
“Howdy, ma’am.”
one week from the new job. usual freaking out. ah well.
Beginners
One afternoon, when I was 4 years married, I played hooky from work and drove into Portland. I had to get away from the apartment, from the little town, from the life that felt unreal. I went to a little movie theater and watched the next film, completely cold. It was Mike Mills’s wonderful film Beginners.
The plot is relatively simple, presented complexly: an artist named Oliver’s mother dies of lung cancer. And he finds out that his 75 year old father is gay, and that the unhappy marriage of his parents begins to make sense. His father lives 5 years, out and exploring, happy. He finds out he has cancer and dies. A year later, Oliver meets a woman, a French actress, and falls in love. She has her own awkward relationship with her father. The movie moves through time, back to Oliver’s childhood, to his father’s life, out and partnered with another man, to his relationship with Anna.
I cried extremely hard when I saw the film the first time. I was a very closeted man, a victim of conversion therapy (like Oliver’s dad). I was married. I loved my wife, but lived in a sexless marriage. I was still in a very Christian place, with people who would see any queerness in my life as damnable (my father in law) or heartbreaking (my mother in law), and I loved my family. But I knew it was coming. I didnt know what it was that I was going to come out as, but I could feel the detonation of my life coming.
That detonation didn’t happen for another 5 years.
I am 47 now. I am an out trans woman. I detonated my family. I’m in a happier marriage.
Jade and I watched the movie tonight. I don’t think I ever watched it with a partner before.
I feel like the son at the beginning of healing. I am a beginner still.
I cried at the death of the unhappy mother (much like my granny). Wished she could be like the happier father who got to be out. I am the father who wasted so much life out of fear. I am the child, trying to begin to live and love outside of the sadness.
It’s a beautiful film. You should watch it.
Trying to get tech stuff done before work begins again. Updates to work/home computer. Culled a bunch of bookmarks. Moved some stuff around in Obsidian vault. Chiropractor and friend breakfast today. Afterwards, maybe some bookshop time.
Backups reinstated. All the solutions I looked at were just a waste of time. Backblaze just works.
The watch duty app is not good for my brain sometimes.
There is a coffee shop about 100 steps from the pool, and I walked over here with my notebook and phone and drank a cup of coffee while reading my RSS feed and thinking about the week ahead, and scribbling ideas, and I wonder why I didn’t start doing this earlier, heading to the little coffee shop after swimming.