Thinking about passing today. Came up in the discord server, and I was thinking about what I wrote. “I’ve been out since 2016. I realized recently that to some people, in some contexts, I pass. That was NEVER a goal, and I sometimes wish I wasn’t invisible to some younger trans people who only see a fat old lady. Passing, for me, is a nice treat. But because I went so long being gate kept from surgeries and stuff because of my size and weight, I think I did a lot of work to give up on passing as a goal, of surgeries as a goal, and had to learn to love myself in my configuration. All of the things that have happened since I have come out have felt like such a treasure. I just want people to be generous to me regardless of if I pass or not. I want a world where visibly queer ass people are just, I don’t know, other people. Anyway, I’m just glad to be here 10 years into this, surrounded by awesome people, moving through a world that is scary and delightful, a horror show and a treasure.”
I think the gatekeeping that happened around starting hormones late, and being told I couldn’t have surgeries because of my weight, really made me do a lot of work that I wouldn’t have done. That some girls now don’t have to do because they get on waiting lists and in line for surgeries so early. That’s not a bad thing…I’m glad the waiting isn’t necessary anymore. But it does mean I’m a little more gristly than some of them. And that’s ok.
